Five days into my Injury

I’ve been in my room for five days straight now. Of course, I’ve taken a break every now and then and left to go to the bathroom or get my MRI done. It’s been a very contemplative time for me. My boredom seems to be chronic and viral. In order to destroy it, I’ve watched over twelve movies. Though it’s kind of like a hang over in a way. Although I’ve never been drunk, I can understand now when people say that alcohol doesn’t remove your problems. When the movie is over, I exhume and remember.

Over the days I’ve thought about death a lot. I’m really, really afraid of death. I keep having visions of multiple possibilities in which my death may occur. Then I become paranoid at little things. I won’t fall a sleep thinking that my room may catch fire due to a corrupt current or something. I also am afraid that my body will counter act with the medication I am taking and kill me in my sleep due to internal bleeding in the brain. I constantly try to avoid dying in a severe car crash, getting shot, drowning, slipping in the bathtub and having a concussion, etc. This is why I do not drive or own a car. I constantly think of these things and I’m not sure if it’s normal or not. I’m not saying it’s not normal to think about death, because I know it is….But I just don’t want the world to go on without me. I don’t want to die knowing that my loved ones will continue to breathe. I don’t want new inventions, infrastructure, or technology to develop without my witness or chance to experience them. And I just don’t like the concept of being buried or incinerated. Can you imagine not being able to escape a latched coffin in pure darkness??? Or being thrown in a closet of fire with no exit??? I love life too much. I’m too young to die. Even when I’m eighty-years-old, I’ll be too young to die. Everyday, when I take a shower, I think to myself “If I die today, at least my body will be clean”. Honestly, that’s the only reason I like to shower.

I’ve also thought a lot about Miles. I’ve thought about my mom and brother. I’ve thought about Oakton....Walnut St. I’ve thought about money, hospitals, color and sound. I’ve thought about B____, the boy I’ve had a severe crush on from the gym. I think about how I used to wake up every day an hour earlier than usual to curl my hair and paint on my face to perfection only for the brief occasion when we crossed paths at my job. He never paid attention. I've thought about my music career. I’ve thought about my knee and how angry I am at my body for not being invincible. Then again, I guess it would be merely impossible for anyone to go on in life and not get injured at least once.

My knee feels restrained, like it’s being tugged on by a rubber band. I can’t bend it, let alone stretch it. Movement is delicate. Around my knee cap there’s tenderness and a sensation of dislocation. On the back of my knee, I feel like my ligaments keep snapping. I can’t walk. Yes, this is a complaint.