Okay... I know I have to go and do my “leg exercises” right now but I have to squeeze in some words beforehand. Physical therapy is the most excrutiating experience of my life. You should see me cry everytime he forces me to bend or straighten my knee. It’s like I’m swimming in my own tears. I wake up every morning and I wonder if I’m going to stay like this for the rest of my life. It doesn’t seem fathomable at this point, but at the same time I don’t see myself ever being able to run again. My knee looks unnatural and the sight of its deformation depresses me. I wonder what would have happened if I had never had surgery.
I really don’t believe in doctors or hospitals. I don’t believe in injections, steroids or pain killers. I spent the past ten days sick to my stomach over some Percocet’s. I don’t think I’ve ever regurgitated so much. My face has become pale and I have purple circles around my eyes, such as the color of my vomit. My bones and joints feel like they are being stabbed by a sharp knife. This is by far an awful experience.
On the other hand, my mom is flying in on Wednesday and I could not be more excited. She always makes me feel better. Her presence will really bring out the sunlight in my room.
So far my days are consisting of lying in my open mouth of grave (aka bed). I flip through the channels and due to the fact that I have no cable in my room, all I can watch are court TV shows, 90’s sitcom re-runs and the news. The news really frightens me though because it makes me aware of how fragile we humans are. There is so much danger in the world and I feel like I could die at any moment. People are always dying, falling off buildings, getting shot, cancer, aids…. How can anyone ever exit their house without wearing a suit of armor? In fact, how does anyone even stay inside their home knowing that the ceiling could very well fall on them while asleep?
My days are lonely. It’s just me and knee.
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I feel really terrible for what you must be going through. Even though I made the stupidest mistake of being too scared to talk to you back in our senior year of highschool, you're probably one of the most inspiring people I've ever, barely knew, lol. I wish someday our paths cross again, but if not I really hope this turns out to be the lowest point in your life, so the rest of it can be the best yet! Oh, and if you want cable, just let me know and I'll hook you up, lol. Its the least i could do ;)
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